What Broken Trust Reveals About Us

Most of us think that we have trust issues with other people. We experienced too much hurt, letdown, and betrayal. But trusting doesn’t start with other - it starts with ourselves.

Most of us want to feel close, seen, and safe with others. But we can only trust others to the degree that we trust ourselves and feel safe within ourselves. 

If we’re constantly in a state of defense or bracing for pain, no amount of reassurance can get through. We can’t fully let others in. Our inner alarm system is louder than what anyone says.

Not because we don’t want to trust, but because, deep down, we fear we won’t know what to do if something goes wrong.

So we stay guarded. And on the surface, it looks like we struggle to trust other.

The Body Doesn't Lie

The body remembers it all - betrayal. Every time we ignore our needs, every moment we don’t listen to ourselves. If we don’t process these experiences, our body doesn’t forget.

The alarm bells will keep ringing. If we continue to override ourselves for a long period, it becomes our baseline, even in safe environments.

This shows up as:

• Hyper vigilance in relationships

• Anxiety around decision making

• Depending on others for approval

• Freezing up when you want to speak

• Feeling unsafe in safe environments

  
  

Recognizing these signals is the first step towards self-compassion. These aren't signs that we're wrong. They are signs that our body is protecting us the only way it knows how. And once we see that, we can learn new, better ways.

Lack of Self-Trust Distorts Our Perspective

When others betray us, it hurts. But it doesn't just break our trust with them, it breaks it with ourselves.

We start to question our own instincts. We doubt our ability to see clearly, to protect ourselves, to act. And then it's not just what others do.

Sometimes the deepest pain comes because we are the ones who cause harm and have to process it just as we would pain from others.

When we hurt someone else, we hurt ourselves too. We know when we've acted out of our own kindness, when we've ignored our values, numbed our conscience, or made choices rooted in fear, pain, or pride.

That chips away at our inner compass. It creates quiet shame that leaves us uncertain. When we stop trusting ourselves, we start projecting that fear outward becoming guarded, doubtful, or suspicious of people who may not deserve it.

Unprocessed pain creates more pain. Hurt people, hurt people.

And unprocessed experiences don't just live in the body. They shape how we see. We begin responding to the past, not the present. We stop responding to what is right in front of us, and instead react to what we remember and what we believe.

What we believe is what we receive.

Unhealed experiences act like a veil over our eyes, coloring how we interpret tone, intention, and safety. Trust becomes distorted by memory and regret.

We may feel rejection where there is none. We may assume danger even in intimacy. We may question kindness or shrink from connection - not because we're broken, but because the body is still trying to protect us from what has already happened.

This is how neural pathways of our brain and nervous system work. The brain creates shortcuts based on past experience, especially ones tied to survival. If something once caused you pain, your nervous system flags similar situations as threats, even if they are safe now.

Over time, these shortcuts become automatic. It’s not just a mindset, it’s wiring.

So we anticipate disappointment. We sabotage closeness. We fear intimacy not just because we've been hurt, but because we've caused hurt. In this state, the word is filtered through past pain, not present truth. And so is trust.

Healing Self Trust

Fortunately, neural pathways can be rewired by actively choosing new paths, healing, and raising awareness.

So healing self-trust isn't just about forgiving what was done to us. It's also about reckoning with who we've been and giving ourselves the chance to become someone we trust again.

This is why healing requires not just mindset shifts, but somatic repair. The body needs to feel what the mind knows. Until we feel safe in our own experience and trust ourselves, we'll continue to mistrust even those who mean us well.

Trust is Built Through Repair, Not Perfection

Self-trust comes through proving to ourselves that we can handle life. Not by getting it all right, but by coming back to what we ignored and feeling it. Admitting when we were wrong, admitting others were, so we can embrace it and learn from it going forward.

Self-trust grows every time our actions match our values. It really happens beneath the surface. It's not about perfection - it's consistency in listening, honoring, and repairing.

Every time we override our feelings, we chip away at that trust. Even when someone else acts in harm to us, if we do not make space for our feelings, we are harming ourselves to some extent, too.

To rebuild self-trust is to rebuild our inner belonging. It's saying to yourself, again and again: I am safe now.

It does not require us to never fall out of alignment again. It requires us to know we can come back to ourselves.

That means being honest with ourselves about how deeply we've been hurt by others or our own actions. The potential for rejection, abandonment, regret, guilt, or anger.

Will you name what you feel, honestly, and follow through on change?

That's the work and the repair.

Trust Grows in the Small Moments

We often think trust comes from being certain or getting it right. But it’s much simpler and harder than that.

It's built in small, private moments. The ones where you pause instead of rush, tell the truth instead of please, walk away instead of cling.

Self-trust is a relationship with yourself, not a switch. And just like all relationships, it deepens with care.

Once That's In Place...

Trusting others becomes easier - not because people are more trustworthy, but because you become someone who stands with themselves no matter what.

You recognize your own signals, honor your limits and act from alignment, not fear.

And something else shifts, too.

As you become more familiar with yourself, trust yourself more. You can handle what life brings you. You stop needing everyone else to get everything right. You do not rely on perfection for protection.

When you can continue to come back to yourself for safety, it's easier to see these experiences as just that: a singular experience.

Then it's easier to bear witness to others' wrongdoings objectively. You are able to meet people where they are, instead of where you'd wish they would be.

Self-trust expands your capacity for uncertainty, for imperfection, and for the messiness of being human. It creates space for compassion. It opens the door to forgiveness, not just for others, but for yourself.

This isn't just about safety. It's about depth. Because when you're no longer viewing the world through subconscious fears, you can connect as you.

That's the power of self-trust.

We begin to relate, not react.

We connect, not protect.

We become whole and present, as we were always meant to be.