When Nothing Lights You Up

When we’re in a downswing of life, it’s common to feel that nothing lights us up. We have nothing that brings us joy and nothing to be grateful for. This may feel like truth or practically be true based on our day-to-day activities.*

As humans, we all experience pleasure and pain. That is a fact, just as simple as death.

It is possible all our pleasure currently comes from food, drugs, alcohol, or other individuals, and without one or all of those, we do not have joy, but that is simply one state of being.

We are not our pain. We are not our pleasure. We are not even our thoughts that go along with it. We are the observers of all those things.

We are not our bodies. When you stub your toe, in that moment, your body notices a surge of pain. It hurts, but you can also watch the pain. "There is a sharp throbbing in my foot." That thought means you are describing it, observing it, not it.

We are not our thoughts. A thought will appear, and then comes another. Perhaps they are all on the same topic and constantly spinning. But even without the ability to "control" our thoughts, we have a recognition that our thoughts exist.

We are not our actions. Actions too, come and go. They are expressions of our thoughts, beliefs, moods, habits and experiences.

The body is felt.

The mind thinks.

Pain and pleasure surge and subside.

But "you" are the awareness noticing it all.

And if we spend more time noticing and feeling pain, we are not broken. We're experiencing a painful loop.

It could be that we've experienced this loop for an hour, months, or even a lifetime. But we are not the loop.

Part of the loop's power is the belief that we are the loop. We cannot be the loop if we are the observers of the loop.

So the quickest thing we can do is to trust these words even for a second: we are not the loop. And we're here to disrupt it, even for a second.

No one is outright broken because we are merely observers.

No one wants to be in a loop, especially not to be it. The good news is that's already true.

And we're going to focus on the observer. Pouring into the observer. To help the observer, we need to observe more. To do that, we simply have to experience more as the observer.

And it is not simple at all in fact. When we, the observer, are caught in a place where everything seems painful, we are one with the loop.

Actions can be daunting, overwhelming, or worse, seem completely out of reach in these states. Showering or getting out of bed can seem like the greatest challenge. That's why we must start simple and build capacity slowly.

Start with What is Neutral, Not Joyful

Sometimes it’s not about “what lights me up?” but it’s about “what doesn’t make me feel worse?”.

We don't have to change the circumstances. We just have to not make it worse. It is about what is not depleting. We're looking for ease, not joy.

Tiny, Manageable Actions

We repair ourselves in micro-steps. Even if it seems like nothing now, it will build. 

Whether we are putting our faith in science, God or this blog, the answer is always the same: micro-steps truly build what we are seeking. And we need that assurance to come back to. You have the Depths of Human Condition's word. :)

So when the basics seem hard, start with something small that seems tolerable. We're looking for neutrality, not joy yet.

Neutral means it doesn’t make me feel worse. It’s not thrilling, but it doesn’t drain me.

Neutral might look like:

• Standing outside for two minutes and feeling the air.

• Drinking a glass of water and feeling it as it goes down.

• Folding laundry at a slow pace.

• Lighting a candle and watching the fire flame.

Often, when we are in these states, reading lists like this, we can hear a thought that immediately says, “Yeah, that will do nothing for me.” So we need to draw back to the assurance. Small things that may feel insignificant to begin with are actually the building blocks for joy.

Practicing The Pause

In these neutral tasks, we are simply asking ourselves, "How does this feel?" That's it. We don't have to like it. We simply have to observe it.

No need to force gratitude or joy. It's simply to notice.

And before repeating the action, it just has to feel tolerable.

It's actually not about the action at all, it's about breaking the loops we are in that cause our suffering. The awareness of ourselves during those moments. From a physiological perspective, it's releasing our nervous system.

And neutrality becomes the resting place for the nervous system. Think of it as a resting place for our nervous system. If pain is -5 and joy is +5, we’re looking for 0 or closer to it.

Neutrality and simple awareness are the bridge to joy. It’s a place where things aren’t getting worse, and that makes stability so something better will eventually emerge. Small actions remind the body and mind that we are the observers.

Again, the goal is not to be happy right away. The goal is not to be swallowed up in suffering for that specific moment.

Borrow Until You Discover

Once we’ve practiced pausing and noticing, and the observer is strengthening, we can begin to try other things. We can start experimenting with small borrowed ideas. These are things that spark relief or joy in others. We’re not committing to them, but simply trying them on.

Here are some ideas to borrow:

• Step outside and notice the color of the sky.

• Put your hands under warm running water for a minute.

• Listen to rain sounds or soft instrumental music.

• Write down one sentence in a notebook - not a journal entry, just one sentence.

• Watch a short funny clip, even if you don't laugh.

• Eat one bite of fruit slowly, noticing the taste.

• Sit by a window a watch the world for 3 minutes.

• Water a plant or pour a glass of water, just to see the motion.

• Stretch your arms overhead, noticing your breath as you inhale. When you put your arms down, exhale with an audible sound.

What Are We Building?

We're building a list of things that bring us ease and eventually joy. A joy list is not a "happy list" that magically appears. It's a practice of discovery.

Layer 1: We've tested and begin to write down things that feel neutral or soothing.

Layer 2: We can begin to add things that feel slightly enjoyable, like listening to a podcast or watering our plants.

Layer 3: Overtime, we can add things that genuinely spark joy - even if it's fleeting, like walking, biking, painting, or laughing at a show.

By starting with things that are simply neutral or bring us ease, we can help our body to enter a better state to experience joy and gratitude again.

Ultimately, we begin to develop a joy list.

Joy List

Practically speaking, we are going to write down a list of things that we can draw on at any time in the day the brings us joy without needing others.

This is a menu of options that bring us joy that we can draw on everyday.

If there are elements on your joy list that require specific weather or circumstances, like the gym being open, then we should have enough that we can draw on at any hour of the day.

If we are already capable of those small actions, but we still don't have a list, it's time to borrow ideas.

Joy List Ideas:

Sensory Experiences:

• Drinking tea or coffee, slowly, paying attention to the warmth.

• Sitting in the sun and feeling it on your skin.

• Taking a warm shower and noticing the water.

• Wrapping up in a soft blanket.

Creative Experiences:

• Doodling, painting, or coloring without pressure.

• Playing or listening to a specific song that makes you feel good.

• Singing in the car.

• Taking a photo of something beautiful.

• Journaling a page of unfiltered thoughts.

Nature Experiences

• Walking around the block and looking for some nature, like a tree or a flower.

• Watching the sunset or sunrise.

• Listening to rain or sitting by a body of water.

• Gardening, watering plants, or simply touching nature.

Every Day Rituals

• Cleaning up space in a room and putting things back where they belong.

• Lighting a candle at night.

• Cooking a meal with care.

Movement

• Stretching arms overhead and breathing deeply.

• Doing a 10 minute walk.

• Dancing in your home to one upbeat song.

Comfort & Play

• Watching a comforting show or movie.

• Reading a book for pleasure.

• Playing a solo card game, puzzle or word game.

Small Luxuries

• Fresh flowers on the table

• A favorite snack or dessert - paying attention while eating it

• Visiting a cozy cafe.

• Wearing your favorite sweater or shirt.

• Using a nice moisturizer slowly, as a ritual

The beauty of a joy list is that it doesn't have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to start big either. It just has to exist.

Then we commit to doing one thing from our joy list every day or every other day. It will build.

And if we are ever in a big time of need, we can reflect back on it.

*Disclaimer: This article is only for reflection and support; you should not take it as medical or mental health advice. If you are struggling and need immediate support, you can dial or text 988 in the U.S. to be connected with the Mental Health & Crisis Lifeline. If you're outside of the U.S., please reach out to your local crisis line or emergency number.