Building A Life of Integrity

Nicolette Martinez
May 22
5 min read

Integrity is the alignment between what we believe, feel, and choose. It’s not about being perfect - it’s about being consistent with ourselves. When a person's values, words, and actions match, we have integrity. Integrity is what allows us to have peace, feel less reactive, and more grounded.

We're Born With A Sense of What's Right

Every human is born with a natural sense of fairness and truth - what we come to know as “right.” It's a part of the human condition. For example, a baby crying at the sounds of anger. Toddlers know when they feel jolted by not sharing toys. This is the foundation of integrity: we feel when something is off.

Humans survive best in groups. And for a group to function, there must be a shared sense of trust, safety, and cooperation. Connection requires truth. And truth requires safety. We are inherently designed for coherence—when everything adds up. Our bodies and nervous systems alert us when something doesn’t. Integrity is that internal signal of safety. Our physical bodies, the nervous system, respond when we are out of alignment. When someone is predictable and authentic, others feel at ease around them. And when we are in integrity with ourselves, we feel at ease within.

How Integrity Gets Compromised

At a young age, our integrity is often challenged. Survival innately depends on belonging and connection. Our natural instinct for survival through belonging and connection can override our integrity. If being true to ourselves risks rejection, we begin to override our inner cues. For example, when a child is told they shouldn't cry without understanding why, they learn to suppress their emotions rather than trust them.

Down the road, we face social pressures to behave in certain ways that may not necessarily feel right to us, whether it's participating in activities or learning that we aren't interested in at school to more damaging behaviors like drinking without parental permission.

We learn to disconnect from our integrity to stay connected to others.

Reclaiming Integrity As An Adult

Later as adults, integrity has to be re-learned for many of us. It becomes a conscious, chosen path. This means unlearning people-pleasing, speaking up even when it’s uncomfortable, releasing attachments to how we are seen, setting boundaries, and learning to hear and trust the voices within.

Reminder: adult you can handle more than child you.

We don’t build integrity all at once. First, we have to notice when something feels off and give ourselves permission to respond differently. Especially if we’ve convinced ourselves that ignoring those feelings is the only way to belong.

As they say, healing is not linear, and neither is building integrity. At first, the signals may be faint, even just a physical reaction. It requires discernment to recognize what’s truly ours versus what we’ve learned to perform. But the more we follow our truth, the louder and clearer those signals become. They become the guideposts of our internal integrity.

Then, it’s developed through small, consistent choices over time - especially in moments when no one else is watching.

And it starts with one principle: we must put our own air mask on first.

You cannot offer others what we do not give ourselves.

You can hold two truths: something can be good for you and hard for someone else. Prioritizing your integrity isn’t selfish—it’s what allows you to show up with presence instead of performance. Unsettled resentment, depletion, or inauthenticity signals a fragmented presence. While we might appear engaged, our interactions lack depth and they aren’t sustainable long term.

The check in is: What is guiding your choices?

Performing often looks like over-functioning, people-pleasing, or operating from guilt. It damages trust, breeds resentment, and leads to burnout or codependence.

True integrity sounds like: “I can be with you—and it won’t betray me.”

Realizing our limits can be grief-inducing. We may mourn the roles we can’t play, the expectations we can’t meet. But that grief hides a profound freedom: the ability to live in our truth and receive what is truly meant for us.

How to Rebuild and Practice Integrity

1. Noticing inner signals

Most people override their gut instincts out of habit. Integrity begins when those internal cues are acknowledged: a tight chest, a sense of dread, or a quiet knowing. Know your baseline safety to know the difference.

Pause to ask: “Does this feel true for me? How does my body feel right now? Why?”

Creating space for these questions opens the door for alignment to come in.

2. Making small aligned choices

These aren’t dramatic life changes - they’re everyday micro-decisions:

Saying no when you would say yes normally
Eating when we're hungry instead of the "right" time
Not explaining your "no"
Choosing clothes that feel good over what is expected
Leaving a conversation that doesn’t feel good
Being honest instead of just polite
Changing your mind

Each one reinforces internal trust.

3. Practicing self-honesty

Drop the performative behavior. It's okay to stop pretending to be okay, available, or interested when you're not. First to yourself and then to others. Honesty begins internally and slowly reshapes how we show up.

4. Managing the emotions that follow with a higher purpose

Letting the guilt, discomfort, sadness and doubt come to the surface. Seeing them as that and knowing this is what is naturally going to happen, just like a wound being itchy as it heals.

Grounding in the truth that we must put our air mask on first if we want to live a wholehearted life.

And knowing it's all okay. It's okay to be you. And having faith in the promise that relief and empowerment will come.

5. Following through on self-commitments

Learning integrity with ourselves is the easiest place to practice. When we keep our own word to ourselves, like getting to bed on time, finishing a task, honoring a need, it teaches the body that it’s safe to trust our own direction.

Broken promises create doubt which is terrible for your health. Follow-through creates stability. So equally important is not over-committing to ourselves.

An example of an unreasonable goal is trying to go to bed an hour earlier when 5 minutes is already a struggle. You’re planning to go to the gym five days a week from zero. Start with 10 mins. Start with one day.

The real benefit is not the goal’s outcome, but learning to trust ourselves. All a lofty goal does is create self doubt, self-deprecation and misalignment. Start small.

6. Repairing misalignment with grace

Integrity isn’t about perfection—it’s about grace and repair. If a person betrays their own boundary or ignores a need, the key is to notice without shame. Ask:

“What pulled me off track?”
“What support do I need to stay aligned next time?”

7. Protecting quiet space for yourself

Without moments of stillness, it’s hard to hear the voice of inner truth. Whether through journaling, silence, or nature, carving solitude becomes essential for tuning into what’s real.

Integrity is a path back to ourselves. It’s a practice, not a destination - built in quiet moment, honest choices, and gentle corrections. The more we listen and respond to our own truth, the more grounded, connected, and free we become.