Untangling Emotions: Separating Feelings from Stories for True Healing

The feelings are real, the story is not.

Let’s say you just finished a project and you email it to your boss, who then replies "We cut that project. No one told you? You didn’t need to do that work.’

Instantly, you feel deflated, then angry, maybe even worthless. How could they do that to you? Or perhaps, "Of course, that happened to me."  Our minds focus on the story or experience, while our emotions can go unnoticed.

Distinguishing between feelings and stories is crucial for feeling better, growing, and healing.

Despite knowing we can only control ourselves, we often wish for changes in our circumstances, hoping it will lead to changes in our experiences, emotions, or life. Many times, the stories we tell to explain our feelings aren't necessarily reality—they're just our interpretation based on our feelings. But our feelings are always real.

What if we worked on our feelings instead? Ultimately, that's what changes our experience.

First, we need to distinguish feelings to work with them. Tall order.

Let’s take an example. You’re eagerly awaiting your partner’s arrival home to share something from your day. When they arrive, they are tired and ask if your story can wait. They want to shower and relax.

Their response makes you immediately feel a pit in your stomach and get cold. One of many feelings.

"My partner doesn’t care. They only care when it’s about them." - That’s a story, not a feeling.

Pause. What are the feelings? What do you feel in your body?

Perhaps none. Dig deeper.

Look at a list of emotions. What stands out to you as ringing true in this moment?

"I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me." - That's not an actual emotion.

Try again: "I feel unsupported and worthless to my partner."

Let’s label that feeling as rejection and worthlessness.

There could be truth to the story. However, for a moment, let the story of what just happened with your partner go.

Time to get really honest with ourselves.

Close your eyes and ask yourself:

• What do I feel in my body? Physical sensations can provide more complete access to emotions.

• When was the last time I felt this feeling? *Incoming past experience*

• When was the first time I ever felt this way in my life? *Incoming memory*

• How old were you when you first felt this? Picture your age, where you were, and what was going on.

More often than not, feelings are reoccurring. Reflecting on our feelings, we find many related stories from childhood onward. To heal, we must work through familiar feelings.

We do what is comfortable, where we realize it or not. That does not mean we pick only the positives. We choose what we are used to. We stay in cycles of similar feelings, focusing on changing stories that keep us blind to the true patterns.

Once we distinguish the feelings, we can deal with them directly.

For example, if experiences with supervisors generate feelings of unworthiness, we might see this pattern in past interactions with teachers or bosses. We identify resentment and unworthiness tied to authority figures. These complexes influence our future experiences too.

We might find we are predisposed to feel a certain way regardless of circumstances. These feelings and experiences could develop into limiting beliefs.

Feelings extend further. We crave consistency, good or bad, and might attract feelings from people and experiences we keep around us.

By understanding and working with our feelings, our perspective can shift.

Many people say we cannot change how we feel. On the surface, your feelings are your feelings, but you do have the ability to shift and feel differently.

With new perspectives come new feelings.

We can build compassion for ourselves.

We can build compassion for the people around us.

When we truly see and feel differently, we can release our feelings.

We then are healing.

If you need help at anytime, please talk to your doctor or mental health practitioner. I have found BetterHelp and TalkSpace to be easily accessible during times I wasn't able to find a provider near me.